Shall I leave you ?
2005-01-02 @ 7:45 p.m.

Operation changing layout has not succeded yet.
But I'll keep on fighting.
I almost forgot.... happy new year to you all where ever you are....(too far from me)....
I went to sleep short after midnight. And woke at 9 am coze of the dog licking my face (like every morning since I'm sleeping with him).
In 2 day I finished one bottle of martini bianco....
But it's ok I'm doing fine.
Today went to see The Grudge. I was so scared. Gosh.
I'm feeling a bit lonely I must admit. The dog isn't filling enough the space. You cannot pretend he's a real human being. He's a dog and always will be. I really wish he could talk to me so I wouldn't feel so alone. But he cannot. Why ? That's not fair.
Sorry I'm babbling like always.
One and a half week to go and my mother'll come back. I think I can make it without passing out too often.
Since she left I'm eating worse, feeling too lonely and too fucked up. Drinking more, feeling too alone. I'm loosing myself.
What am I going to do when she dies (will die ?).
If not the dog (and soon the dogs) I'll probably kill myself. I won't have anyone left.
It makes me sad. It makes me sad not knowing how to express myself properly in english. But I'm not used to write my feelings in french and I don't think it will comfort my feelings anyway. I'm so used to try to write in here as correctly as I can.
Maybe I just should end this diary in english and start to write in my mother tongue ?
I was lost since the very first day I started to write in here and I still am.
Sometimes I question myself about the point of living...and writing....
Am I really leaving something of myself in here ?

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