I scare myself
2004-09-03 @ 3 p.m.

I'm so fucking depressed right now.

Yesterday I went for a drink with a guy I haven't seen for two years, he has a black porsche and works for a canadian bank. He tries to be so fucking cool.

As usual I got drunk after the fourth caipirinha he kept offering me at this hyper cool place.

Then we went to "my" club (the one I usually go to on saturday nights) I danced a bit and as I was drunk kept flirting with some girls....

At one we left and he drove me home with his fucking porsche.

We began dry humping in the car, he was putting his hand in my pants, I tried to sit on him but his car was too small for such type of position. As I wouldn't drive to his house (lives 20min from my city) he said : "So gimme a goodie (aka blow job)". So I did but as soon as I put him in my mouth and did two or three "back and forth" he ejaculated in my mouth...eeek...I don't particularly appreciate this type of treat if I'm not prepared to...I kept spitting on the street while walking home...

And today I sent him a text message around midday and still no answer.

I'm so fucking stupid and I can't understand why I hate myself so much to keep devaluating myself and going out with boys. Is that becoze I hate myself so much I want to, at least, exist in someone else's eyes ?

I want to puke all my guts out, I feel so sick and so zombie-like today.

I want to stop existing. My blood is poisoned with alcohol but I know tomorrow I'll probably be drunk as every saturday night.

And that's fucking scary.

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