explanation
2004-08-19 @ 11 a.m.

I want to try to put my actual feelings into words.

I'm wondering about all what has happened those last days.

I react like a little child I know.

But this new (im)possible relationship with somebody makes me feel so uncomfortable about myself and about my feelings.

I think I still haven't found myself or rather what I want or don't want (in terms of relationship or future). It's so disturbing being confronted with a situation I've been avoiding since years...the real possibility of falling in love. And it seems to scare me so much I've become sad and depressed and crazy.... All this leading to a general state of discomfort towards everything even my closest.

The suffering is not only psychological but has become physical too, my nose started to bleed without any reason while I was washing my face a few minutes ago. You probably think I'm becoming paranoiac...

I'm so scared of being left alone by some one I love (speaking of real and true love) that I'm somehow causing a short-circuit in my head. The only idea of a betrayal from a loved one is leading to suicidal thoughts. And I think that if it really happens I could kill myself coze I wouldn't bear one more deception.

Crazy. But I never mentionned I was a positive kind of person.

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